No friends? Really? Yes Really...SMH

I never expected for life after college to be like this... I don't really have any friends. The few people that I honestly would still consider friends usually don't live nearby, are married or are about to get married. It's strange to be around people when we are on totally different pages of our lives. A few of my friends are still hanging in there but they are busy with their own lives and I catch up with them when I can. Other people who I thought were friends when I was in college are honestly not my friends anymore. Most of them I haven't spoken to more than once or twice since leaving and moving back to Atlanta. I am having a hard time with this because since my college years began I was not the social type. I was pretty much an introvert and I still am. Post-college life is not as fun as I expected... I expected it to be full of adventure and freedom and lots of outings. I've tried to be more social but it seems as though I am ending up with less friends than before. My poor boyfriend is having to deal with all of this.... I feel as though I'm smothering him even though he says I am not. I have got to get some friends or else I'm gonna end up running him off, lol. I say that jokingly but I am starting to think I may never find friends and he will really be tired of me. I am naturally an intorvert and I guess I have to try not to be, but I don't know what else to do. I am open to new ideas but I really can't think of any...

Oatmeal & Shea Butter Lotion

While getting ready for bed tonight I put a little lotion on my hands and face as usual. I just bought some more lotion and this time its the Oatmeal & Shea Butter scent of St. Ives. The scent of this lotion took me back to a year ago.

I moved into my own apartment, first time living alone. There was a peace and solitude there that was deafening but yet very refreshing. I was free to be myself. Laugh at the Golden Girls' corny jokes. Wake up early and watch Good Morning America. Try out new recipes as I watched the Biggest Loser. The view of Huntsville from my bedroom was amazing... My first few nights there I turned off all of the lights opened the blinds and let the scene mesmerize me as I listened to Boyz II Men's Christmas CD. As I get another whiff of the lotion on my hands I remember treating myself to bubble baths every Friday night as a read a book or talked on the phone to a friend on speakerphone. When I was worn out from work I would turn my ringer off on my cell phone and hide in the safety of my apartment. I would surround myself with reasons to go the sleep just so that I could enjoy the peaceful quiet that was often present.

This lotion also brings to memory times that were not so pleasant and calm. Being awoken early in the morning to my neighbors fighting and my bed shaking because their room is right next to mine.. Or hearing noises in my apartment at night so loud that it awoke me out of my sleep and drew me to my closet to pray and hide. That particular night after waiting 2 hours to hear any more noises I walked out of my bedroom with my homemade weapons (a stiletto and 1 foot long peppermint stick) to find nothing out of place or anything wrong. Those were the days... Freedom to roam around my apartment naked without a thought or care about how my body looks. Freedom to laugh as loud as I wanted whenever I wanted to. I wonder if I could every have days that were better than those again?

Life experiences form memories that shape and mold me.. Who would have thought that Oatmeal & Shea Butter Lotion would hold so many memories for me.

What lotion should I get next?

Day 3

Day 3 of Orientation started out pretty well. Partly because I had a good breakfast and more sleep but mostly because I had some coffee. Since I've been out of the classroom setting for so long its really hard for me to sit still and listen to someone talk for 8 hours a day without falling asleep. I know it also has to do with lack of sleep because I'm still getting adjusted to going to sleep early again. I learned a lot and had a lot of information reinforced also. Kinda made me excited to get out on the floor, but nervous at the same time.

My prayers tonight took long.So many people to pray for! Prayer works though!

I hope I can fall asleep now.. I've been lying in bed trying to for at least an hour. I tried reading, singing.. I give up... I'm just gonna look at the ceiling until it comes.

I read a line in Proverbs tonight that said something that I needed to hear.
"A prudent man concealeth knowledge..." translation : Krystle keep your mouth shut.

Speak Lord!
Night!

Church!

When I left for college I left my church behind and always thought I would come back to it. After being away for so long and seeing life outside of it I have to admit I have no interest in attending there anymore. It's not that I don't love the people but I'm ready to find my only place that I can relate to. I feel like my old church focuses on things that are irrelevant and I would rather go on to the important things. Former church members get offended when I tell them that I don't really want to attend there but I don't think they understand that I experienced different things and I am ready and willing to move on to a new church. I can't really relate to anyone in my old church anymore. There weren't many people my age anyway and the people that were there now have children or are married. I can't relate to them on that level anymore especially since I'm single and just starting out in life. I don't know its hard enough making friends here in atlanta especially since all my friends are elsewhere but man... people's lives change so quickly.
Anyway that's my dilemma for today. I just always seem to feel bad when I tell people how I feel.

Black in America 2

I was really inspired by this years program. There is so much that I want to do and so many ideas in my head that I sometimes feel like I'm not going to be able to accomplish it all. Watching the program has given me the fire though to get started, do my research and make no excuses. This is my dream and if I don't do what God has given me a passion for He will find someone else to do it. So I'm off to work. If you know one of my dreams get ready to be one of my "guinea pigs". Hey, I have to start somewhere! Off to work!

ATL

It's been a while since I've gotten to write on my blog. Since the last time I took and passed the boards, moved back to Atlanta and got a new job. Many changes in a small space of time. Usually I don't like change but this time I really believe it has been better than not letting things change. Moving back to atlanta has been the biggest change to me. I went from being independent to back at home with the family and so far everything has been good... but it's still early. I think moving home is one of the best things I could have done. Yea there are positives and negatives of being back but I can handle the negative.

Today I'm headed to my friends wedding and I am so happy for him. I remember when told me that he had proposed to he, he was so excited. It's amazing to see men that are happy with the women they have chosen to marry. A man in love is an exciting thing to see. I'm so happy for him.

Also today is my brother's birthday! He's 22 today and starting to grow up.

My Facebook Survey! On my Blog.

1.My ex......Oh the boyfriend that I didn't know I had lol, no seriously he thought we were in a relationship and didn't tell me until 2 years later... seriously...
2. Maybe I should....apply for an actual nursing job... that might make sense since I do have a nursing degree.
3. I love.. my family, my friends and me. Other people, I am working on not loving at the moment!
4. People would say that I am..... mean, bossy, quiet, headstrong... if they only knew...
5. I don't understand....why life has to be hard when you are genuinely trying to make things better for yourself... and also why the inside of offices hae to extremely hot in the winter and cold in the summer?.... I'm just saying... can I get a blanket or something?
6. When I wake up in the morning..... I look to see if sunlight is coming into my room then roll over and pick up my devotional before getting out of bed.
7. I have lost....... I don't lose things. Oh I'm sorry... friends occasionally, lol.
8. Life is full of......... Happy moments and sad moments. and all the ones in between.
9. My past taught me....... That the only person looking out for me is me and some poeple will never understand the little sacrifices that you make for them.
10. I get annoyed when...... people are inconsiderate and don't think about the next person before they speak or act.
11. Parties result in.... me dancing until I'm sleeping and finding a place to rest my head when its all over.
12. I wish......I could understand why God allows somethings to happen.
13. Dogs... are cute, I want a Yorkie and a Boxer... one day...
14. Cats...are okay... Not too fond of them, but I like them best when they're kittens.
15. Tomorrow is... Sabbath! I'm so happy for this day of rest.
16. I have a low tolerance for...... inconsiderate people.
17. If I had a million dollars... I would pay mine and my family's bills off, and then use the rest to invest and start my business. That would be great Lord...
18. I'm totally terrified of..... missing out on all of life's happiness and losing my family and friends.
19. I've come to realize that my last kiss..... was just to pass the time, no passion, no love... it was good though.
20. I am listening to.....the air conditioner... really soothing..
21. I talk... when I have something to say.... otherwise its me and my thoughts.
22. My best friend... my future husband... whomever he is and my brother.
23. My first real kiss... was crap lol.
25. Marriage is...... something that I want to be real, lifelong and ordained by God.
26. Somewhere, someone is thinking....... What is Krystle doing in Huntsville!? Hey their guess is as good as mine...
27. My cell phone is.... cool, I txt so much! I'm ready for the upgrade though.
28. Babies are....great as long as I can give them back until I have a husband to hand them over to...
29. Someone that will most likely re-post this is.....No one... Idon't anyone reads my blog anymore...
30. The last time I...... went swimming was a year ago... I have to make up for lost time. :)

Not sure what to say...

The last month has been an interesting one. One that I am still recovering from. I can't describe how happy I was to know that May was here and that time has elapsed. The people who I love most in life have shown me who they really are. I have learned from this situation that people are going to be who they are no matter what they tell you they are. And they will show you who they are in time just in case you have any doubts. Regardless of how people treat me I know my God is faithful. He's knows who I need to be around in hard times and who I need to stay away from. God is so good and right on time. Thank God for blessings we don't deserve.

Blessings!

I passed my exit exam on March 17, 2009 with a 902. I needed a 900 to pass, God is so good!

He's So Good!

The last time I really wrote I was so down and out about everything I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so thankful now that so much has changed. I've learned so much about myself, life, men and my dreams. My hopes and dreams have since changed and I hope for much more than I have in the past. Even if all of my dreams don't come I know that I hoped for the best and not snything less than I ever wanted. In a few weeks I am going to be taking my exit exam for the fourth time and though I am hoping for the best I am also not limiting my options. my journey has taught me not to close myself off to other oppotunities and possibly other talents all because I have gotten comfortable. My journey in relationships has been rocky(for the last 6 years lol). There are some friendships with a few girls that I thought would last forever but we don't speak anymore... And my relationships with men have been to me a joke... and I can honesly only blame myself. I have realized that I love the people in my life hard, so if someone doesn't feel that from me then I don't love them simple as that. I have always tried to be selfless with the people I love because that I what I love to do and what I would like them to do for me. Giving too much of myself in the past has brought me to where I am today. I know that regardless of how much I love the people in my life I will still try my best to be there for them but I need to care for myself first and foremost.
God has been on my side the entire time, even when I chose not to acknowledge his presence. I had an expericne almost two months ago that helped me put it all into perspective. Dreams that I started to believe were unattainable are the dreams that I am actively persueing. I took a chance on God and resigned from my position at the hospital in order to study efficiently for my test. Since then I have no income but my God has been blessing me more than I ever expected. Worry serves me no purpose right now even though that is all I used to do.. I can't do it anymore because I know that I am only seeing one part of the picture. Right now I am just trying to go with the flow and enjoying the rollercoaster that God has me riding.

Living With Life's Consequences

Over time I discover more than before that dealing with the obstacles that come up in life are not easy until you are looking back at it because you are are now facing something more difficult. Dealing with this situation with my exit exam with the nursing department has been one of the most difficult situations that I could have ever imagined. I have learned to adapt to it and just keep myself busy in other things. Unfortuantely the worry and stress that this has caused still shows. I sleep all the time, or I can't fall asleep... I eat crap forget eating healthy... and in the last couple of weeks despite working out like usual I have gained weight! The crazy thing is I want to fight the nursing department, study and get my degree all at the same time but I don't have any time to do any of it. I don't like my job.. I feel like I'm being cheated. It's kinda like I know my potential, how come they can't see it? So many dreams shattered... Five years (an extra year because I chose nursing) all for nothing because I can't get a real job in my field or any other because according to life I'm just a student. I pray about this situation all the time and I really felt that maybe God wanted me to fight this situaiton for the other people coming behind me that may also end up in this situation one day.
My friends and fanily probably think I'm crazy these days cause all I can think or talk about is that fact that I have nothing.. nothing to show for the loans I have taken out, the nights where I worked and then went straight on to class, for the sacrifices that are priceless because they involved the life events of my family and friends. I find myself asking the question , 'What am I supposed to do now?'
I'm sorry I know this is depressing and I hope that the next time I write will be better than this.

What Next Lord!?

Last wednesday something happened to me that I would never have thought could have. I didn't pass my exit exam for the 3rd time. Okay in case you didn't know I have always been an excellent test taker up to this point. According to the nursing dept I am done. I have finished five years at Oakwood all for nothing to show for it... It's depressing to think about the social events that I skipped out on in order to study and sleepless nights I have had from studying for pharmacology tests to working and then going to class. I was so sure that this time I was going to get it. Me, fail? Yea right! Before this year I would have said oh no not me! Now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure why God allowed this to happen...He and I had a talk weeks before the test and He told me to trust Him.. Seriously He did, that still small voice is so real. Now I am wondering what could God have me do now? I'm thinking that I can't do what He would have me to without my degree.. What would be my purpose without it? Realizing that this is much bigger than me, I have to just wait on Him because He sees the bigger picture... Even if I have to cry about it everyday.

Why Do We Put Limits?

God is so good and honestly we don't give him credit for all He does, can do and will do for us. Often we don't know how much our doubt in God determines how much faith we have and how we will get a blessing. Don't get me wrong we shouldn't believe or have faith only for a blessing because we don't deserve anything in this world that we have been given. Nothing in this world has our names written on it and we desreve none of it. We honestly don't even deserve salvation but God in all His mercy and love has decided to give us sinners what we don't deserve because He loves us that much. He heals us, provides us with food, shelter, clothing, loving friends and family...that is far more than most have ever had. Be Thankful He has been so good! I'm getting excited just thinking about how He has healed me in the last few months, delivered me from school, protected me from harm, and paid my rent every month especially when I wasn't working! I just want to shout right now, He's so good! Lets not take him for granted. Everything He does is just because He loves us and if we only put Him first and trust Him all the obstacles that plague our lives will not be so bad because we will won't be trying to fight the battle alone. I pray that everyone finds out how much God loves and cares for them... Knowing that God cares feels diffrent than knowing that people care about you. It's as if a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders and someone is carrying you all the way. Praise Him! Don't limit my God, there is nothing too hard for Him!

Save Yourselves from Yourselves!

Ok I'm am upset right now because some of the mistakes that we make in life can be avoided! I found out about a situation with some people I know back home that is upsetting me. Some mistakes should not have to be experienced by all to know that they should be avoided. Just like we shouldn't drive our cars long-distance without gas we should be prepared and protect ourselves by making sure there is enough gas in our cars! I do understand that often times things happpen reagrdless of how much we try to plan but often its more of our negligence that has gotten us to reach the consequences than conincidece. Lets take responsibility for our actions and charge of our futures. Every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction so lets protect ourselves from those reactions. Even if the reaction has already come.. educate someone else and start protecting yourself and those around you!

Happy Birthday to me!

I'm am celebrating my 23rd birthday and I am amazed at where I am in my life. According to my plans I am so off track but because I know that God's plan has led me to this point.
I have so much to be thankful for! A wonderful family, great friends, food, shelter and clothing. I may not have everything that I want but I definitely have all that I need.
my car gave up the ghost last week but the crazy thing is I feel more free without. I do miss being able to come and go as I please and asking for rides hurts my ego, but I have used my two feet to get me where I needed to go. Now I know that walking isn't something that is commonly done in Huntsville but I do believe that every now and then it is necessary. It has been so refreshing to take a walk where I needed to go and let go of my usual time constraints that I put on everything.
Thank you Lord for another year of life and may lessons learned.

So Scared!

Fear can keep most people from doing certain things or going certain places. I know that I have personally let fear dictate my actions many times. Dreams that I have had I have kept to myself because of the thought of failure or that no one would believe that I could do it. Even revealing my true feelings for someone have been haulted by fear. How much more could I attain though by letting go of my fears and living life?

For most of my teenage years and still presently I have a fear of water and drowning... I have almost drowned quite a few times and even though I have taken swimming classes since then I really don't know if I can swim because I won't go into the deep end of any pool. Watching the olympics this year though has made wonder how well I could actually swim if I faced my fear... I really don't think I'm brave enough to do it yet..(just thinking about it right now I'm getting really nervous) but I hope that one day I can face my fear and swim like a dolphin lol!

The way that I think about myself has the most influence on what does and does not happen for me and also how it happens. For instance, all of last semester I was so scared of not passing my exit exam that though I was studying I didn't believe that I could do it (with God's help of course). I think what led to my failure the most was my doubt and lack of faith in God and myself. My fear consumed me so much that I couldn't believe anything else.

I am learning to deal with my feeling differently now and maybe one day I can say that I was afraid of water but I tackled that fear and I've moved to the next one.

Secrets

Secrets need to be kept to protect the person whose secret it is. Often times we tell people information that we need not tell because they are going off of their life experiences and are discouraging to us. When I tell someone something and I feel bad afterwards because of their response or a look I keep a mental note not to discuss such topics with them again. There are so many things that I wish I could talk to people about but because I know that encouragement and support will not follow in response I keep these things to myself.
Of course for me that is not always easy... Knowing that I have to keep all my feelings, aspirations, and desires to myself because I don't any negative thoughts planted into my mind really sucks. Real friends tell you the truth but also know that negative statements will not make their friend feel better.
I really wish I could truly vent without feeling like I'm being judged.

My duty?...

What are we held accountable for? What are our ultimate expectations of ourselves and how are they determined? Often we make a decision to do something based on how we would like to see ourselves one day. Though there isn't anything wrong with envisioning a better you.. at what point do we accept who we are and where we are? I have and still am struggling with accepting myself, my life and my expectations that may not have been reached for one reason or another. How do we know what your duty is in life then? At what point do we give up the fantasies and live in reality? Are out to run after our fantasies or do we wait for a sign to drop into our laps from God so that we can know what move to make next?
The reality is that God gave us a brain and the power of choice so that we can make the decision. At times executive decisions will be made and at that point we have to take into account that we do not see the bigger picture. The most difficult part is also the easiest. It is difficult to relinquish that control and desire to run our own lives but once we do it we see how easy it actually was and how much easier our lives are with them in God's hands.
So what is my duty? my passion? my next destination?
Nursing, Physical Trainer, Business Owner.... maybe all three?!
I really don't know but I can't wait to find out.

New Challenge

I have decided that I am going to run in a Marathon! My goal is to try for the GA Marathon in March. I have 8 months to do it and I don't know how I'm going to but I am going to try.

In the words of India...

I am ready for love... why are you hiding from me... I'll give up my freedom to be held in your captivity...

In the words that India sings I feel like I can really relate. It seems as though everytime that something potentially good comes into my life it kinda just dissipates.... The thing is I know I'm a good catch with a banging body so whats the deal? More recently someone came into my life that I have had a stronger connection with than I have with anyone in a very long time. It was scary at first and I admit I held back but at the same time it was good to know that it could happen for me again.

Lately I've been torn because I'm not sure if God will me the desires of my heart just because I want it or because that is what he has for me. I'm trying to trust Him but doubts creep in when I remember that two people can be headed down a path to meet one day as God intended and one person can leave the path and it is possible that the two will never meet.

Movies like Something New and Programs like Black Women in America highlight the lack of black men available. And then left with the ones available there has to be a connection... Two people may match on paper but that may be as far as it goes.

I just want who God has for me. I just pray that he is ready when I am ready.