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I need a moment!

Recent events have brought me to a time of reflection. I don't know why God allows things to happen or what the reason is. I just want everyone to know that if I don't answer your calls and texts right now please just forgive me because things are a little harder than usual right now. I'm working on getting back to me though, I promise.

If I could change one thing in my life...

If I could change one thing in my life, I would have a sister. Not that I would trade my brother in at all. I love my brother. We have a great friendship for siblings. I still wish that I had a sister though. I often feel like its me against the world because I don't always feel like I have someone in my corner. I often feel alone, like I don't have anyone who understands. My my girls all have sisters. That is the one thing that I wish I had. for female friends have come and gone. Very few have stood the test of time. My closest female friends are the best. Rhonda and Jailyn have a special place in my heart. But they are not my best friends. Why? Because they already have best friends... So therefore I have very close friends. Lately I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I don't always know how to deal with it. I feel like talking is best.. But who do I talk to? My closest friends both male and female are either married or in serious relationships and I don't want to bother them. If there was ever a time to have a sister. For me now would be the time. I don't want to be angry or bitter and I don't feel like I should be. I have to just find a way to deal with my feelings without that "sister" I've always wanted.

Natural Hair!!!

I cut my hair today after months of debating what should be done to it. The style I really wanted to do I have to postpone due to the maintenance requirements. I went for the short natural cut that I did years ago. I knew not everyone would like my hair but I figured the majority of that would come from people from other races with whom I work ;). I never would have thought that I would have to defend why my hair is natural and short to the people who are closest to me who are also black.


My previous cut years ago. 2006

It's amazing how everyone claims to be so proud of being Black and all the attributes that our culture is attributed with. Beautiful behinds, broad hips, full lips are some of the few things that Black people are so proud of. Yet! SMH Yet so many have issues with kinky natural hair. Not the hair that has a natural wave when wet. But the hair that soaks up water like a sponge when wet and shrinks! LOL Instead most favor relaxed or pressed hair. I have no problem with either and may probably go back to any of them at any given time. I just don't understand why I am given grief for wearing my hair natural. I love my hair any way that it is styled. I just want others to accept me as I am just as I accept them.

I'll post a pic of my most recent haircut in due time. ;)

"Scrubs, Oh How I love thee!"

So lately the only clothes that I can fit comfortably are my jeans and scrubs. I'm so thankful that I can because the place I go to most often is work. Anyway I've gained about 15-20 pounds depending on the day.. smh. Anyway if you don't believe me check out these pictures and compare the two. The one on the left is from July 2009 and the one on the right from February 2010.. two weeks ago. I took the same pose..not on purpose.. and look what I saw! Fat! OMGeee!


I have to admit then I was doing Zumba and I had just moved back home and was running 3 miles a day outside. Since then and over the winter months I haven't run outside as much because of the weather and I also was under a lot of stress at my old job. Usually I lose weight under stress but I guess since I'm getting older I did the opposite this time. I'm determined to get it off and I've been doing way more than before to get back to where I was.

This was from a few years ago at ESPN Zone
Now its already bad that I haven't been to church much not because I didn't want to but because I can't fit any of my clothes... It really makes me sad because all my clothes always had extra room..except my jeans. I don't know what to do! I've been working out four days a week (Spin classes, weights, and running) since January and eating salads and trail mix and only drinking water. Any nothing. I still can't fit any clothes. I actually split my scub pants yesterday while stooping down to give a little girl a hug when I was leaving work! I was devastated.. and I headed directly to the gym after leaving work. What to do I don't know... I'm just venting... but I have to figure out a new strategy. I've even thought about becoming a vegan so that I can lose more weight.. I know that's not the right reason to change to that lifestyle but at least I'll know that my passing up Krispy Kreme and Pizza is not in vain.. I can't afford to keep spliting my scrubs..

No friends? Really? Yes Really...SMH

I never expected for life after college to be like this... I don't really have any friends. The few people that I honestly would still consider friends usually don't live nearby, are married or are about to get married. It's strange to be around people when we are on totally different pages of our lives. A few of my friends are still hanging in there but they are busy with their own lives and I catch up with them when I can. Other people who I thought were friends when I was in college are honestly not my friends anymore. Most of them I haven't spoken to more than once or twice since leaving and moving back to Atlanta. I am having a hard time with this because since my college years began I was not the social type. I was pretty much an introvert and I still am. Post-college life is not as fun as I expected... I expected it to be full of adventure and freedom and lots of outings. I've tried to be more social but it seems as though I am ending up with less friends than before. My poor boyfriend is having to deal with all of this.... I feel as though I'm smothering him even though he says I am not. I have got to get some friends or else I'm gonna end up running him off, lol. I say that jokingly but I am starting to think I may never find friends and he will really be tired of me. I am naturally an intorvert and I guess I have to try not to be, but I don't know what else to do. I am open to new ideas but I really can't think of any...

Oatmeal & Shea Butter Lotion

While getting ready for bed tonight I put a little lotion on my hands and face as usual. I just bought some more lotion and this time its the Oatmeal & Shea Butter scent of St. Ives. The scent of this lotion took me back to a year ago.

I moved into my own apartment, first time living alone. There was a peace and solitude there that was deafening but yet very refreshing. I was free to be myself. Laugh at the Golden Girls' corny jokes. Wake up early and watch Good Morning America. Try out new recipes as I watched the Biggest Loser. The view of Huntsville from my bedroom was amazing... My first few nights there I turned off all of the lights opened the blinds and let the scene mesmerize me as I listened to Boyz II Men's Christmas CD. As I get another whiff of the lotion on my hands I remember treating myself to bubble baths every Friday night as a read a book or talked on the phone to a friend on speakerphone. When I was worn out from work I would turn my ringer off on my cell phone and hide in the safety of my apartment. I would surround myself with reasons to go the sleep just so that I could enjoy the peaceful quiet that was often present.

This lotion also brings to memory times that were not so pleasant and calm. Being awoken early in the morning to my neighbors fighting and my bed shaking because their room is right next to mine.. Or hearing noises in my apartment at night so loud that it awoke me out of my sleep and drew me to my closet to pray and hide. That particular night after waiting 2 hours to hear any more noises I walked out of my bedroom with my homemade weapons (a stiletto and 1 foot long peppermint stick) to find nothing out of place or anything wrong. Those were the days... Freedom to roam around my apartment naked without a thought or care about how my body looks. Freedom to laugh as loud as I wanted whenever I wanted to. I wonder if I could every have days that were better than those again?

Life experiences form memories that shape and mold me.. Who would have thought that Oatmeal & Shea Butter Lotion would hold so many memories for me.

What lotion should I get next?