Living With Life's Consequences

Over time I discover more than before that dealing with the obstacles that come up in life are not easy until you are looking back at it because you are are now facing something more difficult. Dealing with this situation with my exit exam with the nursing department has been one of the most difficult situations that I could have ever imagined. I have learned to adapt to it and just keep myself busy in other things. Unfortuantely the worry and stress that this has caused still shows. I sleep all the time, or I can't fall asleep... I eat crap forget eating healthy... and in the last couple of weeks despite working out like usual I have gained weight! The crazy thing is I want to fight the nursing department, study and get my degree all at the same time but I don't have any time to do any of it. I don't like my job.. I feel like I'm being cheated. It's kinda like I know my potential, how come they can't see it? So many dreams shattered... Five years (an extra year because I chose nursing) all for nothing because I can't get a real job in my field or any other because according to life I'm just a student. I pray about this situation all the time and I really felt that maybe God wanted me to fight this situaiton for the other people coming behind me that may also end up in this situation one day.
My friends and fanily probably think I'm crazy these days cause all I can think or talk about is that fact that I have nothing.. nothing to show for the loans I have taken out, the nights where I worked and then went straight on to class, for the sacrifices that are priceless because they involved the life events of my family and friends. I find myself asking the question , 'What am I supposed to do now?'
I'm sorry I know this is depressing and I hope that the next time I write will be better than this.

What Next Lord!?

Last wednesday something happened to me that I would never have thought could have. I didn't pass my exit exam for the 3rd time. Okay in case you didn't know I have always been an excellent test taker up to this point. According to the nursing dept I am done. I have finished five years at Oakwood all for nothing to show for it... It's depressing to think about the social events that I skipped out on in order to study and sleepless nights I have had from studying for pharmacology tests to working and then going to class. I was so sure that this time I was going to get it. Me, fail? Yea right! Before this year I would have said oh no not me! Now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure why God allowed this to happen...He and I had a talk weeks before the test and He told me to trust Him.. Seriously He did, that still small voice is so real. Now I am wondering what could God have me do now? I'm thinking that I can't do what He would have me to without my degree.. What would be my purpose without it? Realizing that this is much bigger than me, I have to just wait on Him because He sees the bigger picture... Even if I have to cry about it everyday.

Why Do We Put Limits?

God is so good and honestly we don't give him credit for all He does, can do and will do for us. Often we don't know how much our doubt in God determines how much faith we have and how we will get a blessing. Don't get me wrong we shouldn't believe or have faith only for a blessing because we don't deserve anything in this world that we have been given. Nothing in this world has our names written on it and we desreve none of it. We honestly don't even deserve salvation but God in all His mercy and love has decided to give us sinners what we don't deserve because He loves us that much. He heals us, provides us with food, shelter, clothing, loving friends and family...that is far more than most have ever had. Be Thankful He has been so good! I'm getting excited just thinking about how He has healed me in the last few months, delivered me from school, protected me from harm, and paid my rent every month especially when I wasn't working! I just want to shout right now, He's so good! Lets not take him for granted. Everything He does is just because He loves us and if we only put Him first and trust Him all the obstacles that plague our lives will not be so bad because we will won't be trying to fight the battle alone. I pray that everyone finds out how much God loves and cares for them... Knowing that God cares feels diffrent than knowing that people care about you. It's as if a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders and someone is carrying you all the way. Praise Him! Don't limit my God, there is nothing too hard for Him!

Save Yourselves from Yourselves!

Ok I'm am upset right now because some of the mistakes that we make in life can be avoided! I found out about a situation with some people I know back home that is upsetting me. Some mistakes should not have to be experienced by all to know that they should be avoided. Just like we shouldn't drive our cars long-distance without gas we should be prepared and protect ourselves by making sure there is enough gas in our cars! I do understand that often times things happpen reagrdless of how much we try to plan but often its more of our negligence that has gotten us to reach the consequences than conincidece. Lets take responsibility for our actions and charge of our futures. Every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction so lets protect ourselves from those reactions. Even if the reaction has already come.. educate someone else and start protecting yourself and those around you!

Happy Birthday to me!

I'm am celebrating my 23rd birthday and I am amazed at where I am in my life. According to my plans I am so off track but because I know that God's plan has led me to this point.
I have so much to be thankful for! A wonderful family, great friends, food, shelter and clothing. I may not have everything that I want but I definitely have all that I need.
my car gave up the ghost last week but the crazy thing is I feel more free without. I do miss being able to come and go as I please and asking for rides hurts my ego, but I have used my two feet to get me where I needed to go. Now I know that walking isn't something that is commonly done in Huntsville but I do believe that every now and then it is necessary. It has been so refreshing to take a walk where I needed to go and let go of my usual time constraints that I put on everything.
Thank you Lord for another year of life and may lessons learned.

So Scared!

Fear can keep most people from doing certain things or going certain places. I know that I have personally let fear dictate my actions many times. Dreams that I have had I have kept to myself because of the thought of failure or that no one would believe that I could do it. Even revealing my true feelings for someone have been haulted by fear. How much more could I attain though by letting go of my fears and living life?

For most of my teenage years and still presently I have a fear of water and drowning... I have almost drowned quite a few times and even though I have taken swimming classes since then I really don't know if I can swim because I won't go into the deep end of any pool. Watching the olympics this year though has made wonder how well I could actually swim if I faced my fear... I really don't think I'm brave enough to do it yet..(just thinking about it right now I'm getting really nervous) but I hope that one day I can face my fear and swim like a dolphin lol!

The way that I think about myself has the most influence on what does and does not happen for me and also how it happens. For instance, all of last semester I was so scared of not passing my exit exam that though I was studying I didn't believe that I could do it (with God's help of course). I think what led to my failure the most was my doubt and lack of faith in God and myself. My fear consumed me so much that I couldn't believe anything else.

I am learning to deal with my feeling differently now and maybe one day I can say that I was afraid of water but I tackled that fear and I've moved to the next one.

Secrets

Secrets need to be kept to protect the person whose secret it is. Often times we tell people information that we need not tell because they are going off of their life experiences and are discouraging to us. When I tell someone something and I feel bad afterwards because of their response or a look I keep a mental note not to discuss such topics with them again. There are so many things that I wish I could talk to people about but because I know that encouragement and support will not follow in response I keep these things to myself.
Of course for me that is not always easy... Knowing that I have to keep all my feelings, aspirations, and desires to myself because I don't any negative thoughts planted into my mind really sucks. Real friends tell you the truth but also know that negative statements will not make their friend feel better.
I really wish I could truly vent without feeling like I'm being judged.

My duty?...

What are we held accountable for? What are our ultimate expectations of ourselves and how are they determined? Often we make a decision to do something based on how we would like to see ourselves one day. Though there isn't anything wrong with envisioning a better you.. at what point do we accept who we are and where we are? I have and still am struggling with accepting myself, my life and my expectations that may not have been reached for one reason or another. How do we know what your duty is in life then? At what point do we give up the fantasies and live in reality? Are out to run after our fantasies or do we wait for a sign to drop into our laps from God so that we can know what move to make next?
The reality is that God gave us a brain and the power of choice so that we can make the decision. At times executive decisions will be made and at that point we have to take into account that we do not see the bigger picture. The most difficult part is also the easiest. It is difficult to relinquish that control and desire to run our own lives but once we do it we see how easy it actually was and how much easier our lives are with them in God's hands.
So what is my duty? my passion? my next destination?
Nursing, Physical Trainer, Business Owner.... maybe all three?!
I really don't know but I can't wait to find out.

New Challenge

I have decided that I am going to run in a Marathon! My goal is to try for the GA Marathon in March. I have 8 months to do it and I don't know how I'm going to but I am going to try.

In the words of India...

I am ready for love... why are you hiding from me... I'll give up my freedom to be held in your captivity...

In the words that India sings I feel like I can really relate. It seems as though everytime that something potentially good comes into my life it kinda just dissipates.... The thing is I know I'm a good catch with a banging body so whats the deal? More recently someone came into my life that I have had a stronger connection with than I have with anyone in a very long time. It was scary at first and I admit I held back but at the same time it was good to know that it could happen for me again.

Lately I've been torn because I'm not sure if God will me the desires of my heart just because I want it or because that is what he has for me. I'm trying to trust Him but doubts creep in when I remember that two people can be headed down a path to meet one day as God intended and one person can leave the path and it is possible that the two will never meet.

Movies like Something New and Programs like Black Women in America highlight the lack of black men available. And then left with the ones available there has to be a connection... Two people may match on paper but that may be as far as it goes.

I just want who God has for me. I just pray that he is ready when I am ready.

Let Go and Let God...?

I had a moment in church today where the speaker asked a question that I have been thinking abou tbut have been to afraid to ask. Before I get to that though here are somethings that I was thinking about during church.



Sometimes we allow ourselves to forget how good God is and how much He has done for us when we are nothing but sinners and nothing is owed to us. Sacrifices that we claim to make do not compare to the miracles of life and the extra blessings tha the gives us though we do not deserve it. Thank You Lord!



We need to tell God how we feel, He is our best friend and will look out for us more thaan than any of our friends ever will. Everything that you need him to be for you He can be that and much more. Ask, Believe and Claim! Remember that He is not human and He will not fail you!
During church the speaker went ont o say that God's first response may not be His last and the we should persisitently pray for whatever it is that we are asking for.

I was quite torn about the persistent prayers so I talked over with some friends to get their perspective. The response I got was the Hannah prayed for a long time for a child. She could have given up when God didn't give her one but she continued to pray until she was told that she would have a son. Immediately after hearing this she told God that in her gratitude that she would give her child back to Him.

Hannah got what she desired in God's time through her persistent prayers. Maybe God wanted her to wait for the appropriate time in her life or maybe God just wanted to increase her faith...whatever it was that God was doing....I'm gonna just keep praying.

The Next Phases of Life.... Chapter ?

So much has changed since I started this blog and since I have last written that I don't know where to begin. I going to start by saying that God is good. He is too good to us sometimes especially when we don't deserve it... So far this year I have managed to make it out of undergrad and I am now moving out into the workforce. As excited as I am now I had so much more fear when the semester was ending. Letting go of being in school all my life was difficult. Because there isn't another level after college where someone can see their friends and deal with life changing issues with people they grown with and are comfortable I wasn't completely ready to close the chapter on my college years. Though I did have some anxiety I am better now knowing that I felt this same way when I left high school and it obviously didn't turn out as bad as I expected.

Moving on into the next chapters of my life are exciting and scary. Many of my friends are getting married, having children or doing both and honestly I am starting to feel left behind. All of our conversations have turned into convos about marriage, babies, houses and retirement! It is exciting to see my friends move on and have happy and productive lives and it makes me want more for that time in my life whenever it comes. I just didn't expect that it would happen for my friends so soon. I guess I always had that idea in my head that we all would enjoy our youth at little longer and then it a few years it would happen for all of us tat the same time... lol I guess that is my fault for expecting something like that... that is crazy that I really believed that though.

Where do I go from here? Where will I end up? What should I expect next?

These are questions that I have been asking myself for months, but they were much easier to handle when I was still in school, but now that reality has hit...